My Perfume

Perfume is tricky. Most perfumes give me a headache, and not the figurative kind like "Oh, I've got so many apothecaries in which to adorn myself for the Bauhaus tonight I just can't choose. I feel faint! My head aches! I must retire for a brief respite before this eves festivities". I mean they give me a real friggin' headache and I have to leave the room if someone is wearing something too strong. Its pretty common; my best friend is at least doubly if not thricely worse than I in this regard, girl can't even have scented candles in her bubble bath she's so sensitive. That means its NOT EVEN a real bubble bath, your just sitting there in soapy water getting pruny. Gross Sarah. Gross.

When I do find a perfume I like, I buy in bulk and then lie to people about where I got it, how much it was, the brand and so on so they can't copy me. But odds are good we will never meet so you can go ahead and have dibs on these. The picture above is my current fav. Its Juicy Couture but I'm not a vapid skank... it just smells good. When you get compliments on this scent (and you will from everyone from grandma to bosses to boyfriends to creepy old men hanging out at gas stations) you can choose whether or not to divulge the brand. I am a heinous bitch and compulsive liar. I've told people everything but the truth: 1) "Oh, its a custom blend with strong Hibiscus notes and a vanilla undertone", *2) "Why thank you! Its a limited edition trial run for Dior by John Galliano." 3) It was a gift that came in a vintage Victorian-era atomizer... I don't know the brand".*Should anyone press you further on #2 you can go three ways. If the person knows you and KNOWS you are poor, you should say "It was a gift". If they don't know you but you LOOK poor, just say "I got it at a sample sale". If they nod their head and say they were thinking of getting it as well and are excited for the new line, punch that person in the mouth and walk away. There's no honor among liars and we can sense our own.If you do decide to incarnate the knowledge of your perfume unto a lucky few, you may have to deal with the reactions of two specific groups of people.

The first group is comprised of poor to lower-middle class/skanky/whoreish/superficial girls who think buying Juicy Couture is cool. Listen to mama- these girls are not your friends. Put Nair in their conditioner and call it a day.The second group is mainly normal people who find Juicy offensive and gauche. They can range in socio-economic background from educated upper-middle class to über-rich ( but not the nouveau riche, those are just lucky trash).The first group will squeal when you tell them this magical potion, this aromatic ambrosia, is Juicy. The second group will cock one eyebrow and say "reeeeee-aly". The first group has shit for brains, the second thinks you ARE shit for brains. Surprisingly both groups can be placated with the same response:

"I GOT IT FOR $10 AT TARGET"

This lets the first group know that they have built up a brand that ultimately wants to profit and is willing to go low-rent to do it; it will also align you firmly with the second group, letting them know you are in on the joke that is Juicy.And you WILL have these conversations!

My bias against expensive terry-cloth aside, its a wonderful scent. Very fruity and fresh. Good times. Check it out.